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i need some good opinions. i come from a very dysfunctional family.five years ago was the

jsgain started this conversation
i need some good opinions. i come from a very dysfunctional family.five years ago was the last time i saw my elderdly parents. my parets live with my older brother and his very nasty wife. when she first came to our family no one liked her. my entire family spoke very viciously about her.then she took my parents in to thier mom who pays rent to live there invited me to come visit at christmas in 2007. we spent christmas ever together and had a wonderful time. ate together went last minute shopping and finished our evening together watching christmas movies. my brother and his wife ms nasty went to a party. we had anexcellent time. the next morning while ms nasty was handing out gifts she made snide remarks to me and my son about how she bought him sweaters to improve i dressed him. im a single mom. she also slyly and nastly announced that uncccccle mikkkkkke or gramaaa and so on gave him all these gifts.she then got to me and gave me a gray ugly snowman lamp that you put the candle in to light was a hard christamas to begin with because my fiance dumped me right before the holidays without her antic really upset me.
my mother invited to take a breather an go into her room to talk.
next thing you know ms nast started to send people in the room to constantly bother our conversation every few minutes. in the mean time my mom and i heard a loud scream. it was ms nasty. my brother came in and said i upset his wife because i didnt watch her open her gifts. my mom said oh i forgot that we started a new tradition of gift opening. i had no clue. well when ms nasty came in the room she changed her story and said i made her children run upstairs in tears.
my 18 year old niece informed me that was a lie. because ms nasty is the one who upset her children when she screamed. ms nasty dried to blame it on me.
and kicked me out of the house.
my mother said i should take the blame of the incident to make it alright . what should i do.
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bookworm2011   in reply to Anonymous40784
I have to agree with you. Life is short. We should make amends if we can, we should at least try. My youngest brother was my life growing up. I took care of him until he was in his early 20's. He married a woman who was insecure about our relationship so he no longer speaks to me or anyone in our family unless he needs money or something. We recently spent some time together at a family function and for the first time in years saw our kids play together. He emailed me and said he wants to start over. My first thought was to say "no way", he has let his wife treat us all like crap for the past 10 years while he went along with it. But I realize that he could be gone tmw, and I would have missed this opportunity to make things right with him, even though its not my fault. I don't want to live with regrets, and I don't want to be unforgiving. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, one day I will wake up or he will, and one of us will not be on this earth any longer. None of our disagreements will matter much then. So do your best, if the other person does not accept your attempts to bring peace at least you know that you tried.
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Anonymous40784   in reply to jsgain
Just send everyone a note or an email saying:

" I apologize for any misunderstanding we had that day. Please accept my deepest apology. I would like to make amends so we can move on as a family should.
May God bless every one of you."

You are welcomed to copy/paste the above & send it to them.

Please know that by that statement you are not admitting any wrong. You are merely apologizing for the misunderstanding.
Its easier to send this note & make amends with them than it is to continue this rift.
If they do not accept this note, then don't worry about it.
You did all you could.
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rubgor1   in reply to jsgain
Then place more distance between your "personal life" and your family life, allow them to be a part of you not your life......I had to do the same is hard but living to please others is harder, let them go for one older brother and I didn't speak to each other or see each other for 15 years, when he came back into town for our fathers funeral, he grew himself and was able to put the "past" behind him and see that I too have grown to be a wonderful person, we write to each other about once a month now, that was two years ago, on the other hand, my oldest brother has chosen to hold a grudge against me, I have extended my amends, I have tried to make the wrongs in his eyes right. but I can't change him.........he is now dying and he won't speak to me......I pray for him and I think at times of what the future will be what the relationship between his children, myself, my daughter and their children will be? no one knows.....stay in the moment. because the past is gone, the future is not ours to see and the present is a gift,
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jsgain   in reply to rubgor1
Actually I.did what you said. The problem is they continue to speak of me nega tively evenafter years go by. If they see I have a good functioning relationship they come between me and that person.
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Hi, I like to call the dysfunctional family I have, " very colorful personalities" that helps me to understand that I am not going to like them all, I am not going to let what any of them say or do affect me. It took me a very long time to come to this point, I would be so stressed before a "family" event that I would never enjoy myself, I hated it. Then through alot of self help, therapy ect. I learned to live in the moment, when someones words would even prick my emotions I learned to say "ouch" that hurt. At first no one caught on to how I was dealing with the bad situation, however, they learned through time that they couldn't hurt me by their words anymore, I don't live my life today to make any of them happy, I live my life today to make me happy, if, my very colorful personalities don't want to be happy in the moment that they are with me and share good quality time, I allow them to see that they are not affecting me, let people be who they are. One thing I have recently learned to do for myself is when things get stressful, emotional. I take the time internally to ask myself, where is that coming from? I don't analyze it just become aware of the moment. And let it go. Letting go is the hard part....... yeah, some times we have to make amends, sometimes we have to just say "I'm sorry I did this or that, and it made you feel whatever......then let it go, the person then has the ball in their court to accept or not, once you let go of the "situation" you will see that the only one that is affected by it then is the person who couldn't accept to move on beyond that moment.
Life is way too short to give any one else power over you emotionally or any other way. Let others be who they are, accept that not all people are growing at the same level as yourself.I hope that some of this can help you
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jsgain   in reply to Anonymous40784
I see your point but my mother told everyone that I threw the tantrum thatnow Ms nasty did. Now n.o one is talking to me.
Talk to jsgain
Don't lie.
Tell your mother that God don't like liars in His sight.
Do send Ms. Nasty & your brother a note apologizing for any 'misunderstanding' that may have occurred.
Let Mom know that you have done this.
If that does calm the situation,then good.
If it does not, then chalk it up to a bad experience & just let it go.
It won't be worth you worrying about it.

Hope this helps
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